I've just got back from a much needed week away, doing nothing much but laze in the sunshine. The last few months have been busy and challenging. I've needed to do a lot of proper listening in very difficult circumstances........... and a number of things have caused me to consider what is 'listening', how does it differ from 'hearing' and does it matter? My experience is that there is a big difference and it really does matter.
If you know my blog you'll know I'm a volunteer with The Silver Line. I'm a telephone friend, making calls once a week to lonely elderly people and I also train new volunteers to be Silver Line Telephone Friends. Both roles call for a lot of listening. But why do we need to train people to listen you may ask? Surely, unless we have a hearing impairment, we are all born listeners! It's something we do automatically. Not so...... we are born able to hear but we have to learn to listen. So, what is the difference and why does it matter?
Almost every day I witness numerous examples of people not listening and of people trying to make themselves really heard. One of the saddest, and yet most common, experiences is to watch the lengths to which young children will go to be heard by their distracted parents, displaying ever more extreme behaviours until they provoke a reaction - which, when it finally comes, is almost always a negative one. Inevitably, it is the child's behaviour which is considered to be the problem, unfairly in my view.
I and my own children grew up in a world without the benefits and the distractions of mobile phones, the Internet or social media. One of my greatest pleasures when out and about with them was seeing their reactions to everything around them, answering their endless questions, watching them absorb everything, like wide-eyed little sponges! I loved listening to their reactions, to their excited chatter, watching and hearing them learning naturally and effortlessly. Normal mundane things, walks out, picnics, bus and train rides, supermarket trips, the walk to school etc were all opportunities for chatting, learning and connecting. Yes, it was quite often exhausting but it was also deeply rewarding. So often nowadays I witness parents too distracted by phones and social media to even hear their children, much less actually listen or respond to them. Often now the children have become an unwelcome distraction, vying with mobile phones for attention.......
But modern life is so busy I hear people say all the time.....
Yes, it is - and life, especially with young children, always has been! I was a single mum, working full-time and bringing up two boys, so I know how full-on it is! And no-one was busier than my mother who had four children under the age of five and a job as well! My mother and I, and millions of other parents, were busy with life - but we weren't distracted. Without the immediate and constant distraction of smart phones, we were focussed on what we were doing and who we were with, on our families, homes, jobs, friends, and the task in hand. Now don't get me wrong, I love the many benefits of my phone and rarely go anywhere without it. BUT I also actively choose when to give it my attention and when to prioritise something or someone else. So, it often gets switched to silent and put aside - and nothing disastrous happens as a consequence. The world is still the same when I come back to it, even if there are a few missed calls, texts or Whatsapps !!!
And it's not just children who are often going unheard.....
I saw a feature on TV recently which illustrated what I have myself observed countless times. On a summer's evening, the cameras filmed people enjoying drinks/food on a terrace with their other halves, friends etc. - and they observed how many were so busy on their phones that they didn't interact with each other, or even the staff who came to serve them. Even when spoken to, they didn't look up, made minimal responses, no eye contact or proper engagement. Even when eating they were still watching screens and tapping on phones! Afterwards, some were shown the footage of themselves and asked to comment on the fact that they completely ignored servers - and each other! Most said it looks bad - but everybody does it! So does that make it OK??? Not in my book...... I will never forget enjoying a lovely meal in a country pub with my partner followed by live music and both of us being aware of the young couple nearby who spent the whole evening tapping on their mobile phones, neither talking to each other nor listening to the music!
The sad truth is that the modern obsession with the ever-present social media, texting, WhatsApping etc rather than actively engaging with those who are actually there, around us, is having significant consequences for all our relationships, for our schools and communities and society as a whole. Children who are not listened to learn not to listen - which directly affects their behaviour, learning and emotional and social development. Adults who are not listened to often end up feeling un-cared for, lonely, even depressed - and may go elsewhere to be heard.
We all know what it feels like to be really listened to, usually at times of trouble or upset. We know how much difference being really heard makes, even if it does nothing to change the actual circumstances of the situation. We know when someone listens to us with their whole being, we feel the connection that creates... Two of my dearest friends and I experienced this first hand in recent weeks when one of us was diagnosed, out-of-the-blue, with a rare and aggressive form of cancer. We could do nothing to change the circumstances of that nor what she then had to go through but we could do what helped her through - we really listened with our hearts to whatever she needed to express, to her fears, anger, distress, hope. We gave her our time, our full attention, our love and support - we shared in her experience. While surgeons and doctors did the practical things that were necessary for her physical well-being, we supported her emotional health, by simply being there and truly listening. And I am very happy to say, we also shared in her joy and listened to her hopes for the future when, after major surgery and some set-backs, she was recently told that she is now cancer free. Yay!
Listening is not automatic, it is a skill that needs to be developed and we can all choose to develop it. It requires our full attention, commitment and focus. It's also a precious gift we give to those around us. It demonstrates respect and care for the person we are listening to whether that be a child, a neighbour, a server, a friend or a life partner. And that makes a difference! Which is why my family, friends and I all switch our phones to silent when we are spending time together. Small thing, big impact.
So, choose to make a real difference....... turn your phone to silent and listen with your heart.
