Listen, with your heart.

I've just got back from a much needed week away, doing nothing much but laze in the sunshine. The last few months have been busy and challenging. I've needed to do a lot of  proper listening in very difficult circumstances........... and a number of things have caused me to consider what is 'listening', how does it differ from 'hearing' and does it matter? My experience is that there is a big difference and it really does matter.

If you know my blog you'll know I'm a volunteer with The Silver Line.  I'm a telephone friend, making calls once a week to lonely elderly people and I also train new volunteers to be Silver Line Telephone Friends. Both roles call for a lot of listening. But why do we need to train people to listen you may ask? Surely, unless we have a hearing impairment, we are all born listeners! It's something we do automatically. Not so...... we are born able to hear but we have to learn to listen. So, what is the difference and why does it matter? 

Almost every day I witness numerous examples of people not listening and of people trying to make themselves really heard. One of the saddest, and yet most common, experiences is to watch the lengths to which young children will go to be heard by their distracted parents, displaying ever more extreme behaviours until they provoke a reaction - which, when it finally comes, is almost always a negative one. Inevitably, it is the child's behaviour which is considered to be the problem, unfairly in my view.

I and my own children grew up in a world without the benefits and the distractions of mobile phones, the Internet or social media. One of my greatest pleasures when out and about with them was seeing their reactions to everything around them, answering their endless questions, watching them absorb everything, like wide-eyed little sponges! I loved listening to their reactions, to their excited chatter, watching and hearing them learning naturally and effortlessly.  Normal mundane things, walks out, picnics, bus and train rides, supermarket trips, the walk to school etc were all opportunities for chatting, learning and connecting. Yes, it was quite often exhausting but it was also deeply rewarding. So often nowadays I witness parents too distracted by phones and social media to even hear their children, much less actually listen or respond to them. Often now the children have become an unwelcome distraction, vying with mobile phones for attention.......

But modern life is so busy I hear people say all the time.....
Yes, it is - and life, especially with young children, always has been!  I was a single mum, working full-time and bringing up two boys, so I know how full-on it is! And no-one was busier than my mother who had four children under the age of five and a job as well! My mother and I, and millions of other parents, were busy with life - but we weren't distracted. Without the immediate and constant distraction of smart phones, we were focussed on what we were doing and who we were with, on our families, homes, jobs, friends, and the task in hand. Now don't get me wrong, I love the many benefits of my phone and rarely go anywhere without it. BUT I also actively choose when to give it my attention and when to prioritise something or someone else.  So, it often gets switched to silent and put aside - and nothing disastrous happens as a consequence. The world is still the same when I come back to it, even if there are a few missed calls, texts or Whatsapps !!!

And it's not just children who are often going unheard.....
I saw a feature on TV recently which illustrated what I have myself observed countless times. On a summer's evening, the cameras filmed people enjoying drinks/food on a terrace with their other halves, friends etc. - and they observed how many were so busy on their phones that they didn't interact with each other, or even the staff who came to serve them. Even when spoken to, they didn't look up, made minimal responses, no eye contact or proper engagement. Even when eating they were still watching screens and tapping on phones! Afterwards, some were shown the footage of themselves and asked to comment on the fact that they completely ignored servers - and each other! Most said it looks bad - but everybody does it! So does that make it OK??? Not in my book......  I will never forget enjoying a lovely meal in a country pub with my partner followed by live music and both of us being aware of the young couple nearby who spent the whole evening tapping on their mobile phones, neither talking to each other nor listening to the music!

The sad truth is that the modern obsession with the ever-present social media, texting, WhatsApping etc rather than actively engaging with those who are actually there, around us, is having significant consequences for all our relationships, for our schools and communities and society as a whole. Children who are not listened to learn not to listen - which directly affects their behaviour, learning and emotional and social development. Adults who are not listened to often end up feeling un-cared for, lonely, even depressed - and may go elsewhere to be heard.

We all know what it feels like to be really listened to, usually at times of trouble or upset. We know how much difference being really heard makes, even if it does nothing to change the actual circumstances of the situation. We know when someone listens to us with their whole being, we feel the connection that creates... Two of my dearest friends and I experienced this first hand in recent weeks when one of us was diagnosed, out-of-the-blue, with a rare and aggressive form of cancer. We could do nothing to change the circumstances of that nor what she then had to go through but we could do what helped her through - we really listened with our hearts to whatever she needed to express, to her fears, anger, distress, hope. We gave her our time, our full attention, our love and support - we shared in her experience. While surgeons and doctors did the practical things that were necessary for her physical well-being, we supported her emotional health, by simply being there and truly listening. And I am very happy to say, we also shared in her joy and listened to her hopes for the future when, after major surgery and some set-backs, she was recently told that she is now cancer free. Yay!

Listening is not automatic, it is a skill that needs to be developed and we can all choose to develop it. It requires our full attention, commitment and focus. It's also a precious gift we give to those around us. It demonstrates respect and care for the person we are listening to whether that be a child, a neighbour, a server, a friend or a life partner. And that makes a difference! Which is why my family, friends and I all switch our phones to silent when we are spending time together. Small thing, big impact.

So, choose to make a real difference....... turn your phone to silent and listen with your heart.

Oldies on holiday in Wales.

Every two years, in early September, two of my three brothers, their wives, my partner and me plus two Dads, one a fit 85 and the other a spritely 90, all go away together. For those who still work it's a time for rest and relaxation, for others it's an opportunity to potter about, exploring new surroundings and enjoying creams teas! And for the more energetic amongst us (me and my fella) its another chance to hike up some new peaks and enjoy new views from the top! 

Even though we all do our own thing, for all of us it's a precious opportunity to spend time together, sharing meals and news, doing crosswords and puzzles and going together on outings to places of interest. And this year we spent a lovely week sharing a house in Abersoch, North Wales which was roughly equidistant from our homes in Staffordshire, Lancashire and Yorkshire. (Yes, the red and white roses do get along - we'd better 'cos that's me and my fella!)

So, I thought I'd share some holiday snaps with you............

Firstly, my partner and I stopped en route at Bodnant Gardens, owned by the National Trust of which we're both members. The weather was kind, if a bit chilly, and the gardens are still really beautiful at this time of year.

Lots of opportunities to take pics of flowers that I love...... 
The rose garden in front of the house was spectacular. 

There were hydrangeas of every colour everywhere! 

And then I finally found what I've been looking for in various places all summer - water lilies in flower! They're a real favourite of mine and I was delighted to come across both white and pink flowering here. 

Wonderful! And we hadn't even arrived at our destination yet! 

Next to be captured on camera were the views from our first coastal walk from Aberdarron..... a lovely little place, there on the left

And as I was admiring this view......

my partner announced that we were going to hike up and down these two peaks in the background! 

Fortunately I got distracted at that point by these......

But he didn't forget and a few days later we did climb both of them, quite easily to my pleasant surprise. Only 1800ft up and six miles round trip..... a bit of a rocky scramble at the top but, as always, the views were so worth it! 

And then, mid-week, we were rewarded with a beautiful sunny day which we spent all together at Portmeirion, a quirky Italian-styled village built on a hillside next to the estuary and made famous by the 1960s cult series The Prisoner which was filmed there. 

If you've never been, it's a must-visit with its beautiful scenery 

And quirky buildings........ 

..... which people actually live in! Not sure I could cope with all the tourists! 

We ended our lovely day there with a cream tea in the hotel beside the estuary, delicious cakes and scones all served on exquisite Portmeirion bone china. Lovely! 

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New shoes or old boots?

I absolutely love this! As a dented, frequently fractured and, as yet, not too wrinkled 65 year old, sporting quite a few of life's invisible battle scars, I look back to when I was a new shoe rather than an old boot! I remember how much that newness pinched and rubbed and how uncomfortable it felt, especially when compared to the comfort of the worn wrinkled leather of this old boot that has moulded itself over the years until I'm really very comfortable in it! 

I remember too how, back then,  my choice of shoe was so often completely impractical, determined by fashion, my own insecurities or what others liked - high heels were always the favourites of boyfriends etc. Back then the 5ft 2 me needed the physical and psychological boost those high heels provided - and I wore them all the time! Even at work, standing up all day, I would not have been caught dead in comfortable flatties - and I didn't know what a hiking boot was, much less actually own a pair!! 

Now don't get me wrong, I do still love an elegant high heel when the outfit or occasion calls for it - or just because I feel like it! And there's the difference - now I'm just as comfortable choosing to wear trainers or flatties (and in truth my feet are decidedly more comfortable!), I no longer need the boost of high heels (and I'm still 5ft 2!) and I love my hiking boots and all the places that they take me to! Much as I love them, I can't walk comfortably for 10 minutes in my 'car-to-bar' high heels but in my 'access-all-areas' hiking boots I can walk for miles, climb peaks to see amazing views, tramp across streams or boggy fells and keep my feet perfectly dry and comfortable for 10 miles or more. 

And that highlights for me the beauty of the ageing process, for people as well as shoes....... those beautiful, perfectly-formed new shoes looked great but they hid a multitude of sins like blisters, aching arches and, in later years, bunions!! They were also very restricting, limited in their practical usefulness and the places they could actually get me to! A metaphor for me at that time. The transition from beautiful new shoe to comfy old boot is a metaphor for my life - and maybe yours too. 

It was a gradual process during which I became aware of the limitations of those shoes that I wore for all kinds of reasons that became less important to me as time went by. I began to feel the damage being caused, not just to my feet, but to my being. And over time I began to make different choices, expanded my shoe wardrobe (very literally!) to include all kinds, for all sorts of purposes. And, yes, I made some bad choices along the way! Some were worn only once and some never came out of the box, some cost a lot but didn't last very long..... and others were worn every day with a determined smile despite how much they hurt, because I told myself I loved them and just needed to persevere rather than acknowledge that they just weren't right for me....... 

Eventually though, I learned ..... learned what really fit and suited me, what I really needed, what enabled me to do what I wanted in my life, without all the pinching, rubbing and damage. I learned the value of substance over style, of comfort over pain, of freedom over restriction.... I learned that the 5ft 2 me is fine as it is and did not need to be enhanced in ways that were painful and damaging, that I could be more me, not by increasing my height, but by dancing in bare feet, shopping in flatties and hiking in comfy boots! I learned to embrace the freedom of old boots, with their wrinkled but soft leather, to love the scratches and scars that give them character and show they've been places, climbed tough peaks, risen to the challenges and seen the views from the top - and brought me back home safely....... 

And very happy that I made the most of the trip.

Mental Health Matters!

Mental health and well-being has turned out to be my life's passion and purpose. Like everyone else on the planet, I have struggled with my mental well-being at times, especially when life has been challenging.  I particularly struggled in my late teens and early twenties when everything about life just seemed too hard to cope with. In reality the circumstances of my life were not all that bad. Yes, like many teenagers I struggled with my developing sense of self, felt the loneliness of being a student away from my family and home environment, had my heart broken a few times and had friends die far too young. But many people experience far worse and remain well and positive throughout.

It was my lack of understanding, knowledge and skills that really caused my mental health problems, combined with my inability to talk about it even, or especially, to mental health professionals. My lack of emotional wisdom and my 'pull yourself together' conditioning were the problem, rather than life itself. I have spent a life-time since then unlearning that conditioning, acquiring that understanding, knowledge and emotional wisdom as well as the practical skills that have enabled me to protect and enhance my mental health and well-being throughout all of life's many challenges. Like many others, over the years I have developed practical strategies, new attitudes of mind,  and skills that combine together to form a personal 'wisdom' that now sees me through whatever life throws at me. And it has been my absolute privilege to have developed a career in supporting others to do the same.

For more on this subject, see my page Let's Talk About Mental Health by just clicking on the link.

So, I'll share with you just a few of the books that helped me and literally hundreds of people I have worked with over the years. These are all global best-sellers and are still up there on my favourites list!

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff   

I first came across this little gem in the late 1990s when I was a stressed out single, working Mum of two teenage boys! How I wished I had come across it sooner! It transformed my life for the better, like many millions more throughout the world, selling over 8 million copies. You can still get various versions of it quite cheaply if you don't mind a second hand copy in good condition. Try this link for a few options Don't sweat the small stuff. Or try your library who will almost certainly have it.

In very short, easy to read little sections, Dr Richard Carlson PhD offers simple insights to help us stop letting the small things in life drive us crazy and to live calmer, more contented lives. It certainly helped me to survive those years of single-parenthood, highly challenging work in mental health, financial worries etc! And so very many of the people, with all kinds of mental health issues and challenging situations, that I have worked with over the years, right up to the present day, have sampled my copy and been inspired to buy their own. I still live by this simple but effective philosophy every day.

In another very readable and powerful little book,  Stop Thinking, Start Living  Dr Carlson outlines in more detail how our thoughts determine how we feel. As I and very many others have come to know from our own life experiences, it is not the circumstances of our lives that cause us to suffer, struggle or fall into depression but the way we think about those experiences. If we can change our negative thinking, and we absolutely can, we can live more contented lives - no matter what age we start! And that does not mean having a 'Pollyanna' positive attitude that denies what is actually happening or how we feel about it. It does mean dealing constructively with life, taking control of our negative thoughts and developing a balanced approach to whatever is happening in our lives - all of which are essential to mental health and well-being. 

The Power of Optimism  

I first bought my copy of this book The Power of Optimism by psychotherapist Dr Alan Loy McGinnis in 1991. It has been much read over the many years since then, especially in times of struggle. And many more copies have been bought for family, friends and clients over the years - the most recent being only last week for a client who loves it's practical wisdom. (She now also uses copies of the previously mentioned books by Carlson, all of which are supporting her in living a more contended and joyful life after many years of depression.) Once again, this book is not about always hoping for the best but it is about developing the capacity to face life's challenges and struggles with a real, genuine and positive attitude, to make the most of it all, to get back up when life knocks us down - and to learn how to ride the roller coaster of life so that we keep getting back on!!  

'By the time I reached the age of 60, life had taught me that things turn out for the best for the people who can make the best of the way things turn out' says one of the reviewers of the book, which echoes the experience of many, including myself. Based on and illustrated with the challenging life experiences of many of his mental health clients, McGinnis outlines, in a common sense and inspiring way, practical strategies for dealing with life's ups and downs and coming through positively, with our well-being and wisdom enhanced.

Other helpful resources.

The NHS has some useful free resources to boost positive mental well-being in an area of their website called the NHS Moodzone

Here you can find a section called Living Life to the Full (LLTTF) with free resources and some little books that cost around £2.50 each. Click this link LLTTF to find out more.

So, look after yourself, enjoy life's simple pleasures and keep dancing!

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More Craftiness!

 My lovely Mum, Margaret who sadly passed away 5 years ago, was a knitting and crochet wizard. And she taught me to knit and crochet from when I was about four and she and I used to knit everything for my Dad, three brothers and me - jumpers, cardigans, hats, gloves and even socks! And we used to crochet full size blankets too.

When my boys were little I used to love making things for them, especially picture sweaters of their favourite cartoon characters. Later, being a single working mum of two teenage boys, for many years I just didn't have the time or the energy for crafting. But when I retired, quite a few years ago now, I rediscovered my love of yarn and making things for Little People, whether my own or other people's.

I especially love making really colourful baby blankets and little hooded coats. Initially I started just making them for the children of family and friends but over time word spread and I was asked to make more and more, making them to order. For a while I even sold them online, sending them as far afield as Spain, Portugal,  USA, Norway etc. I don't sell them anymore but still make them just for the love of it and I have donated a lot of them to charities. There is a new one in progress at the moment for my partner's first grandchild who is due to arrive any day now. Exciting!!

I thought I would share with you some of my past favourites.

As I said, I do love the bright rainbow colours! And, although I have made all kinds of baby clothes my real favourite is this hooded duffle-style coat.

I also like the blues........

And the lilacs..............

And the pinks!

But my favourites are still the rainbow colours....


















And I did really like this pretty little pink dress with it's heart-shaped buttons as well though!

Right, I'm off to finish the current little hoody before the new little one arrives! I'll post a picture when it's done.

Let's talk organ donation

This week is Organ Donation Week and everybody is talking about it again which is important and great! But the fact is that talking about it isn't enough - we need to do something about it!!  The sad fact is that there are currently 6,133 people on the list waiting for organ donation and there are simply not enough of us registering to be donors. And those of us who do register don't seem to be making our nearest and dearest aware of our wishes - which sadly means that, when the worst happens, our next-of-kin often refuse to give their permission for our organs to be used. And so an opportunity to save a life is missed. In 2017, 411 people, who could have been saved, sadly died while waiting for a donor to be found. The NHS has said that, on average, 3 people die every day in need of an organ transplant. What if you needed the transplant? Or one of your family? Or a close friend? Wouldn't we all hope that a donor could be found, and in time?

I understand that not everyone wants to donate their organs and that is absolutely fine. However, research has indicated that most of us, about 90%, are in favour of organ transplantation - but only a fraction of those people have actually registered, which is such a shame. Joining the Donor Register is very easy, you can choose which organs you want to donate and there is no upper age limit for donors - so us oldies can potentially still make a difference by saving someone else's life as ours comes to an end. You can find out more and register easily by going to the NHS Organ Donation website here  

Over 34,000 joined the register during Organ Donation Week in 2017 as a direct result of people talking openly about it, taking action and making their wishes known to their families. It is hoped that something similar will happen again this week. I have been on the Organ Donation and the Bone Marrow Transplant registers for about 40 years. And yesterday, having heard an item on the news, I again had a conversation with my new partner to make sure that he is aware of my wishes. It's a long time since I originally registered so, just to be absolutely sure, I re-registered yesterday. I also let both of my sons know, asking them to be sure to say 'yes!' if they are ever asked about donating my organs! They have grown up knowing this is my wish, that I want to make a difference in this way, if I can, when my time comes but I thought it would be good to remind them of that. I hope that very many more people will do the same.

Register here.

Caught On Camera

I love taking photos! My camera has been a real friend to me, especially when I was first on my own a few years ago. I used to take myself out for daily walks in my beautiful new surroundings but was very aware that I was walking on my own, with no-one to share it with or chat to along the way - and I didn't enjoy that very much. So, I started taking my camera out with me and what a difference it made! Instead of being acutely aware of being on my own, I began to pay more attention to the photo opportunities around me and how best to capture them! My walks very quickly became much more enjoyable! And my photos got better too! One of my photos recently won a competition to go into a local calendar.

So, I thought I'd share with you some of my favourite pics from recent outings.

The bluebell woods near me are beautiful and some of the best pictures I took on those early walks were of the bluebells. You'll find a few more in my Summer Days! post. I have some of them printed and framed on my walls and have given a few as gifts to friends and family who have admired them. Giving even more joy!

I love taking photos of flowers

Isn't that exquisite?! 

And I took these last weekend on a visit to Tatton Park. 

Love the green prickliness of this Sweet Chestnut!

And the Japanese Garden is just beautiful! 

Would you believe I forgot my camera that day! And so all of these pics were taken with my humble little mobile phone!! Pretty good though, eh??

And of course I love wildlife and birds so was very happy to come across these deer when walking the outer grounds of Tatton Park last weekend.




















And here are some of my very favourite pictures, taken on a June weekend trip to the east Yorkshire coast, walking from Flamborough to Bempton Cliffs, which are just heaving with nesting birds at that time of the year.




I absolutely love puffins and really couldn't believe it when I got these shots with my camera on full zoom! I have had prints of these framed and they are on the walls of my coastal-themed bathroom. I get lots of admiring comments - especially when people realise I took them!

Finally, I will leave you for now with these pics, taken that same weekend, of a pair of gannets with a baby chick - only one of the many thousands that gather there every year.

See the little fella, there in between them?

Ahhh, so cute!







So, bearing in mind that I do not have a very expensive camera and all of the pictures taken last weekend were taken on my mobile phone, what might you take snaps of when you're out and about? Maybe taking a few pictures of your own garden, a local park or place of interest, a local event, or even of the town where you live might start you off with a new interest to keep you happily entertained. Why not try it?