Loneliness

Anyone of any age can feel lonely and we will all experience a sense of loneliness at some point in our lives. Being alone is not the same as feeling lonely. Most people enjoy being alone sometimes, and some are very happy to be alone even a lot of the time. And some people can feel very lonely even though they are surrounded by people. I had my first, and worst, period of loneliness when a student at university which led to me struggling with depression and with alcohol. People of all ages and backgrounds can feel lonely for very many reasons - no-one is immune, not even those who live with others or have family and friends close by.

Whilst situations and circumstances causing loneliness vary greatly, people usually describe feeling lonely for one of two main reasons:
  • they are socially isolated and don't see or talk to anyone very often
  • they don't feel connected to, understood by or cared for by those around them. For whatever reason they don't feel that they matter.

It can be helpful to think of feeling lonely as a signal from your body, like feeling hungry. Your body uses feeling hungry to tell you that you need to eat, and loneliness is your body's way of telling you that you need more connection with people.

The causes of loneliness are many and varied and can affect anyone at any age. I already mentioned the loneliness, or home-sickness, experienced by students. Life-changing events such as bereavement, relationship breakdown, physical or mental illness, chronic medical conditions and disability can all cause loneliness as can redundancy, financial hardship, separation from family members or friends as a result of people moving home etc. For some, retirement can mean a loss of routine, of contact with work colleagues, customers or clients and a loss of purpose. Many retired people can feel that they haven't got anything to contribute to society any more. For some people, even those who choose retirement, loss of work sometimes brings a loss of purpose and identity. 

There really is no stereotypical lonely person. When broadcaster Dame Esther Rantzen was bereaved she spoke openly about the loneliness she felt, even though she had a strong network of loving family and friends, an active career etc. Esther said she always had people to do something with, but she had no-one to do nothing with. Her own experience of loneliness prompted Esther to look more into the issue and, eventually, to set up The Silver Line. You can watch a video of Esther talking about this here You can also Meet Bob by clicking on his name.

Although anyone of any age can experience loneliness, it is sadly the case that, in modern society, many of the major factors that contribute to it combine together as people get older. As a result, large numbers of seniors simply don't get to speak to another human being very often at all and many older people feel that they don't matter much any more. 

Surveys conducted in the UK in recent years have produced some shocking statistics:
  • over 1 million people aged 65+ say they often or always feel lonely. 
  • half of all older people (about 5 million) consider TV or pets to be their main form of company.
  • 3 million people aged 65+ feel they have no-one to turn to for help and support.
  • the health effects of loneliness are now believed to be equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes a day.
  • people who are isolated and lonely are between 2 and 5 times more likely to die prematurely than those with strong social ties and a sense of connection.
In a brilliant talk, one of many in the TED talks programme, Guy Winch, a psychologist, talks about loneliness as part of a broader theme that he calls 'emotional hygiene'. He outlines the case for taking specific and timely action to care for our mental health like we do for our physical health. You can listen to it by clicking on this link:



So, what can be done about loneliness? Well, with the best will in the world we cannot change the life circumstances that may contribute to someone feeling lonely. But we most definitely can do a lot to be more aware of it and its effects, to understand it and to support those experiencing it to feel valued and cared for. We can be a listening ear, we can have what I call 'caring conversations'. We can support and encourage people to find their own ways to engage in activities which bring them into contact with more people and so improve their sense of connection. If circumstances mean that some people cannot get out into society, we can create ways in which society goes to them, whether that be in the form of keeping a friendly eye out for vulnerable neighbours, taking the time to have a conversation, to make a phone call or a visit, to make that offer to pick up some shopping when we're doing our own and then have a conversation when we deliver it! 

You may find more ideas in one of my favourite books, Random Acts of Kindness. There are very many different inexpensive editions of this book available new and second hand. My favourite original version can be found, second hand here  and the special 20th anniversary edition is here.(Note that the stories in this anniversary edition are almost all from USA.)

If we are experiencing loneliness, what can we do to help ourselves? Well, having been there again myself only a few years ago, I think the first thing is to acknowledge and accept that's what we're feeling - and it's not our fault!! There is a great reluctance to admit to feelings of loneliness, as if somehow it's a personality flaw, or we have brought it on ourselves or are weak for feeling it. This is absolutely not the case. And if more people were able to acknowledge, accept and open up about it, it would help us all. Do we talk about problems with our physical health? YES! Quite easily! We ask each other how we are, we share about our colds and flu, bad backs, deteriorating eyesight, aches and pains...... but we don't do the same when it comes to loneliness, anxiety, stress, depression etc. And if we did it would make all the difference! 

Having acknowledged it, we can explore the opportunities available to us to take some steps, no matter how small, to change our situation, to make those connections that we're missing, to talk about it. Maybe reach out to an organisation offering support services, such as The Silver Line, Age Uk, Mind, etc. For instance, you may be interested in an organisation called 'Contact the Elderly' which organises small Sunday tea parties so people can get together for a chat! More info here. 

Maybe volunteer your time, skills, experience etc to support others! That one ticks lots of the boxes! It not only passes the time but also brings us into much needed contact with others, gives us a sense of being able to contribute something, to be useful and of value, and it can also be fun!! 

It's never too late to learn something new and it can be a great way to meet new people, pass some enjoyable time and keep the old grey matter sharp! I got a first class honours Masters Degree aged 50 while still working full time! So, is there something you've always fancied doing? Photography? A language? Painting? Pottery? Crafts? Find out what's going on in your local area - your library, adult education centre, college, community centre, village or church hall etc can all be sources of info about local classes. Try something new! You might love it! Look at my post Caught On Camera to see how taking pictures made a difference to me and my camera became a friend. 

And we can be kind to ourselves! Try some of those random acts of kindness on yourself first! I regularly treat myself to lovely, inexpensive flowers on my supermarket shopping trips! 


The importance of life-long engagement with community, of feeling connected and valued and having a sense of purpose have been found by researchers to be fundamental to the longevity of the world's oldest people who are 100+. The highest numbers of these people, referred to as 'super centenarians', live in Okinawa in Japan. See my post What's your Ikigai? for more on this.

You can find more really useful information here Support in dealing with loneliness and there are many other links below and throughout this blog.

Contact The Elderly

The Campaign To End Loneliness

Jo Cox Commission on Loneliness

British Red Cross: Connecting Communities

NHS Moodzone

So, what will you do, either to help yourself or others??

Hopefully you will find your own way to combat loneliness and to keep dancing! 

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